What I Don't Know Yet

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My Top Books of 2011

In Uncategorized on January 1, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Here are my Top Books of 2011. By that I mean, I read them in 2011. I mix fiction and nonfiction because, hey, it’s my list and this is how I chose to do it.

5. State of Wonder by Ann Patchett.

This is Ann Patchett’s “Poisonwood Bible,” a book that takes readers to a new world and wraps them in a plot that feels both surprising and true. Marina Singh, a pharmaceutical company researcher, travels to Brazil to find out what led to the death of a colleague. He was sent to the Amazon at the behest of their employer, assigned to urge a secretive researcher to deliver the drug they are paying her to create. Dr. Annick Swenson, who is researching a fertility drug made from the bark of rainforest trees, is both mercurial and brilliant, and she is also Singh’s medical school nemesis, the woman who changed the course of Singh’s life. For Singh, confronting Swenson is to duel her own demons. The result is absorbing.

4. The Sisters Brothers by Patrick Dewitt.

This is a quick, fun read with a propulsive narrative of short action-packed chapters. Cowboy hit men ride from the Oregon Territory to California with orders to kill Kermit Warm. The narrator, Eli, is the gentle killer, always wishing Charlie would be kinder and drink less but continually following his aggressive lead. Every time Charlie wanders off the page, someone dies. Eli, in the meantime, falls in love with any woman who pays attention to him, and develops a sentimental attachment to his horse, Tub. The fact that Tub is unsuited for hard travel seems to raise him in Eli’s esteem. The story’s ample violence is almost cartoonish in the light of Eli’s descriptions. John C. Reilly optioned the book and intends to play Eli. It is hard to imagine a more suitable actor for this character.

3. The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson

How we label people crazy is Ronson’s theme in this gallop of a narrative, but the journey is one that seems to follow only the thread of his curiosity with entertaining results. He begins with the question of who wrote and distributed an anonymous book to people all over the world. This leads him to wonder about the power of mental illness in our society, which brings him to question how we label people mentally ill. The result is fascinating, challenging, and entertaining, as Ronson pursues his purpose with intelligence and self-deprecating wit. Along the way he meets Scientologists, a man trying to get out of a mental hospital by insisting he had faked the mental illness that put him there, the author of the strange book, the man who invented The Psychopath Test — an instrument that supposedly helps those trained in its use accurately identify psychopaths, and former Sunbeam executive Al Dunlap.

2 Jamrach’s Menagerie by Carol Birch

Jaffy Brown begins the book in the jaws of a tiger that escaped from the warehouse of an exotic animal merchant in this book set just after Charles Darwin published The Origin of the Species. Jaffy’s fearlessness – which is how he ended up in the tiger in the first place – inspires the tiger’s owner to take the boy on at his menagerie. Eventually Jaffy joins an expedition to capture a komodo dragon.  What follows is a sea story  slowly whittled into white-knuckled adventure. The impressionistic descriptions of a whale hunt and butchery, the search for the dragon and its eventual capture, the expansion of the characters of the men on board the doomed ship are all masterfully done. The final tale of the crew’s long loss at sea is harrowing and taut. I expected this to win the Mann-Booker Prize. I was wrong. The winner, The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes, sits on my shelf waiting to be read.

1. The Beauty & The Sorrow: An Intimate History of the First World War by Peter Englund.

Englund does not tell us why the nations of the world went to war in 1914. He leaves that to other authors. He doesn’t concern himself with the battle plans of generals or the speeches of politicians. Instead, he tells the story of the war through the letters and diaries of twenty people. There is a twelve-year-old German schoolgirl and a forty-nine year old Scottish aid worker. There is an American married to a Polish aristocrat caught on the front with her children, and a Venezuelan calvaryman in the Ottoman army. Like a diary of the war written by twenty different hands, it takes us through the days, months and years with these characters, creating a vivid history by accretion. The result comes together in a pointillist image of devastating power. There are the crowded restaurants in a Paris where all seem studiously oblivious to the slaughter beyond its borders counterposed with the mundane horrors of trench warfare. There is the girl playing soldier and the young sailor wishing for battle. There is the repeated discovery of yet another trench layered with bodies — a geology of defeat that lays bare years of pointless battles. There are the exhausted nurses, the numbing cold and the enervating heat, malaria, typhus, and trench foot. The word enormity was made for this war. The word masterpiece was made for this book. It is simply unforgettable.

FAT CITY

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Louisville is fat. I tried to find out why. This story appears in the January 2012 issue of Louisville Magazine. 

It’s still dark when Chris Cooper, 52, steps out of her house in west Louisville. It’s a Saturday morning in September, and she is Market Street’s only pedestrian, striding past the lime green Get It candy store, with its hand-made sign announcing, “Now Ecepting Credit + Debit.”

A block behind her house, a man carries a scarred baseball bat to walk his dog in the moonless predawn. Cooper does not bother with a weapon. She will walk where she wants to walk, when she wants to walk, and will fear no evil. She is out there every morning on the weekends, and every evening during the week, walking.

Cooper, swaddled in layers against the morning chill, is six feet tall and given to gospel-sermon soliloquies in which her natural contralto soars to a helium-tinged soprano. Her voice dances through the lower end of her register as she explains her motivation to become a dedicated walker. “The obesity rate is ridiculous. Then I went to the doctor. He had the nerve to tell me I was obese. ‘Chris, as bad as that sounds, you would be considered obese.’

“Well, I got an attitude,” she growls, “a real bad attitude. ‘Cause I’m thinking I’m cute!” she says, sliding to the top of the scale at the word “cute.”

“And I’m overweight!” She’s breaking glass.

She’s certainly not alone.

READ THE COMPLETE STORY.

A BETTER YOU FOR 2012

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2011 at 10:47 am

This photo has nothing to do with the story below.

The trick to mastering that New Year’s resolution

Dreading that annual vow to give up your favorite vice for the New Year? Uncertain which empty promise to make in your ever-failing attempts to start the year with a clean slate? Can’t decide how you’ll manage to meet your impossible new pledge?

Then let us help you. We have consulted many expert sources (i.e. Wikipedia) and heard from respected people in a variety of fields (i.e. friends on Facebook.) and combed the self-help literature to come to your rescue.

This exhaustive research led us to this never-fail advice on making New Year’s resolutions to create a new you. By next year, you won’t even need to make a resolution. In fact, you will be so perfect, most people will not like you. But, being perfect, you won’t mind.

Our advice:

  1. Define your goal in concrete terms. Saying, “I will be a better person” is far too general. Better than whom, exactly? Silvio Berlusconi? Mother Theresa? Be more specific. “I will be a better person than my boss, who is really a nag and has a very short temper, and could stand to lose a little weight.” This is a specific goal.
  2. Break your goal into smaller steps. If your goal is: “I will exercise three-times a week in the coming year,” start with: In January, I will raise my arm over my head on Tuesdays. In February, add repetitions (aka “reps”). In March, actually hold something relatively heavy when you raise your arm, such as a small dog or a candlestick. Be careful. Do not drop the dog. By April, you’ll be raising both arms.
  3. Have measurable outcomes by which to track your success. Say your goal is to learn to tango. Measurable goals may be:  (a) People no longer laugh so hard they cry when I am on the dance floor. (b) My instructor stops offering a refund for the course if I would please stop coming. (c) My passport is no longer ripped into small pieces when I land in Buenos Aires to try my new skills in the land of tango. (d) Someone who has seen me dance actually asks me to dance, and I’m pretty sure they’re not just teasing me.
  4. Make the goal adequately challenging. If the goal is too easy to reach, it will have zero heft when you’re standing around the water cooler, bragging to your co-workers. This leads us to ask, do offices even HAVE water coolers anymore? Do people actually stand around them? Is it shadier there or something so you all gather around? Are you worried you might run out of water so you must stay near the cooler? Are you worried about predators, so you find safety in numbers around the water cooler? Can’t you find somewhere else to hang out? Preferably somewhere with baked goods?
  5. Make the goal adequately challenging. (Sorry, we were carried away on No 4.) Don’t say, “I will read all the Mann Booker Prize winners for the last twenty years.” Say, “I will read the prize winners for the last twenty years in French, even if I have to translate the books into French myself.”
  6. Make sure you really want to accomplish your resolution. For instance, pledging to take over the financial management of the European Union is a job no one wants, not even actual Europeans. You don’t really want it either. You’re just showing off.
  7. Express your goal as a positive. Don’t say, “I will quit chewing my nails.” Say, “I will let my nails grow into dagger-like talons.”
  8. Put your goal in writing and make sure all of your friends know about it, so they can help you be accountable. This should pretty much rid you of the burden of friendship, leaving you more time to translate the great English literature into French.

Now, good luck with that resolution! And Happy 2012 to a Better, Brighter You!

How to Organize Your Life

In Uncategorized on November 8, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Today I and my team of crack organizational experts will provide you with cannot-fail advice on how to organize every single thing in your life, from preparing your Christmas list, to making your holiday meals, to keeping your finances in order.

Follow our simple plan and you will never be disorganized again. You will say, “Oh thank you for saving my disorganized life! I would like to send you four hundred dollars! I love you! Would you rather have five hundred? OK!”

But before you write that check – we prefer cash, credit cards, or cashier’s check – takes our simple little test to see how disorganized you truly are:

1. When strangers walk into my house they think:

a. Was your home just featured in Architectural Digest? It’s flawless!

b. What a comfy, homey place. A little clutter makes it look lived in.

c. Are you saving those magazines for a reason? I haven’t seen a copy of Look in years! Wait! Is that a mood ring?

d. I hear your voice, but I cannot see you! Is that you behind the rotting fruit? Oh my goodness! What IS that?

2. When preparing to file taxes, you:

a. Simply pick up the files you have carefully maintained all year and carry them off to your accountant.

b. Spend a few days getting your files in order. You have them, but you are a few weeks behind.

c. Dump out your giant paper bag of receipts and pray. Sort the information into piles on the dining room table. When you run out of room on the table, make more piles on the floor. Start over when the dog runs through the room.

d. File for an extension and begin calling merchants to ask them for receipts for things you bought in June. Make up numbers.

3. When preparing a holiday meal for thirty guests, you:

a. Establish a schedule and a shopping list. Begin two weeks ahead of time, freezing what will tolerate freezing. Have cocktails with your guests while the very last items are finishing on the stove.

b. Hire a caterer a few months in advance to beat the rush.

c. Serve lots of appetizers and drinks because dinner may get to the table a few hours late.

d. Muss your hair, throw your robe over your clothing, and answer your doorbell after it’s been rung several times. Using your best at-death’s-door voice, express your surprise that it is Thanksgiving, because you have not been out of bed in a week, you have been so  sick. You don’t think it’s contagious. Or not very. Your husband may remember. Offer to call him at the hospital and find out.

If you selected C or D for any of the above answers, or you thought, “Set house on fire,” should have been an option for questions 2 and 3, boy do you need our help. Right away.

Get ready to change your life with these three easy steps!

Step 1: It all starts in childhood. Begin by finding more orderly people to raise you. Find the kind who will make you actually pick up after yourself instead of letting you get away with murder. Do not settle for one of those mothers who likes to be a martyr to your slovenliness. She should make you clean your room. If she doesn’t, find a different mother.

Step 2: Develop good habits. By age six you should be making your bed every day. Also, help with the dishes and do your homework every afternoon before you go out and play or watch television. Do not minimize the importance of youthful effort to create lifelong routines. Help with the dusting. Do you think we’re your servants?

Step 3: Maintain to-do lists and take pleasure in crossing things off. Do not get carried away. A to-do list that is fifty pages long can be a tad oppressive. If you are color coding everything, and have an established system of symbols to guide you – stars for completed tasks; triangles for tasks that you need someone’s help on; circles for tasks that can be delayed twenty-four hours but not forty-eight hours; parallelograms for tasks that can be delayed forty-eight hours but not longer than seventy-two hours; dodecahedrons for tasks that require a deep understanding of quantum mechanics as well as some smattering of advanced calculus; tori (plural of torus) for tasks that involve time travel and/or the presence of extinct mammals; the outline of a hippopotamus for tasks you probably will never complete in this or several more lifetimes; a star in a circle in a square with horns for tasks that you probably should not complete if you expect to maintain the respect of your neighbors – if you have this system, then you are spending way too much time organizing, which is just another form of avoidance and procrastination. Return to Step 1 immediately.

We know if you follow these three simple steps, your life will never be the same again. Disorganization will be conquered, and you will accomplish everything you have dreamed of doing. So start today! Somewhere out there is the perfect mother waiting to raise you!

2010 in review

In Uncategorized on January 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 3,100 times in 2010. That’s about 7 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 12 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 31 posts. There were 62 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 358mb. That’s about 1 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was July 5th with 102 views. The most popular post that day was For Scotty and Louie.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, search.aol.com, nasw.org, mail.yahoo.com, and lmodules.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for jaak panksepp, jenni laidman, kopi luwak, jason newsted art, and luwak.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

For Scotty and Louie July 2010
9 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

2

The Play of Jaak Panksepp March 2009

3

Resume September 2008
2 comments

4

A Look at My Work September 2008

5

What I Don’t Know September 2008

Random Bits: The Breeders’ Cup

In Betting, Horse Racing, Uncategorized on November 5, 2010 at 8:09 am

 

The famous photo sequence by Eadweard Muybridge.

The website louisville.com has my Breeders’ Cup stories online.

 

Find them here:

http://www.louisville.com/content/downs-forever-will-churchill-downs-become-cups-permanent-home-breeders-cup

http://www.louisville.com/content/champions-world-breeders-cup-facts-and-figures-breeders-cup

http://www.louisville.com/content/flying-horses-how-foreign-race-horses-get-churchill-downs-breeders-cup

http://www.louisville.com/content/horse-medicine-veterinary-care-race-horses-breeders-cup

An Arena With A View

In Uncategorized on November 2, 2010 at 3:55 pm

In the many-story lobby of the new Yum! Center

 

The great unanswered question remaining after my visit this morning to Louisville’s new arena – the KFC Yum! Center – is: are there enough toilets in the women’s lavatories?

In Jenni Laidman’s Perfect World, there would be twice as many women’s toilets as men’s. That planners  the world over fail to adopt this standard is just blinkered prejudice. But I couldn’t go into the men’s room for a full comparison, and I didn’t think to ask any of the men wandering around to go in and count for me, so the answer to this must wait.

My favorite things about the arena:

  • The views. Huge windows mean big views of bridges, buildings, and the river. A single dead sparrow on the balcony suggests birds will not catch onto this right away.
  • The Kentucky Sports Hall of Fame display on the walls on two levels. It’s simply fascinating to read.
  • The fact that the arena was not named “The Bucket.” When Louisville attempted to lure an NBA team to town around 2001, word was Yum! Brands (then called Tricon Global) would buy naming rights and call any arena “The Bucket.” While this is certainly better than calling it the Tricon – whatever a Tricon is — it makes me grateful that Louisville is not home to a major toilet manufacturer.
 

j
The Woodford Reserve Club

Jim Bunning -- today ending his U.S. Senate term -- in the Sports Hall of Fame.

I climbed to what I thought was the worst seat in the house. I didn't think it was that bad once I got used to thin oxygen.

A Glorious Mess: The First Breeders’ Cup

In Uncategorized on October 31, 2010 at 11:41 am

Zenyatta, from her facebook page

This year it’s Zenyatta, Zenyatta, Zenyatta. (And let’s not forget that other great filly, Goldikova, both vying for three-peats at the Breeders’ Cup at Churchill Downs.) But that first year, the guy running the Breeders’ Cup barely had a moment to consider the horses. He was presiding over near disaster. My story on the Breeders’ Cup runs in Louisville Magazine this month. It’s on the newsstands now and will be available online at loumag.com later in November. But this is a jennilaidman.com exclusive. You can only read this story right here.

Goldikova

It was a glorious success, that first Breeders’ Cup at Hollywood Park in California — unless your name was D.G. Van Clief Jr.

Van Clief, the Cup’s executive director that year, noticed that the sky was so clear he could see the mountains from the racetrack, as though God had divided LA’s smog in an act of benevolence toward the maiden 1984 event. And if God’s blessing wasn’t enough, there was Frank Sinatra’s. The Chairman of the Board crooned at a prerace party.

Other stars glittered on race day. Not only did Sinatra place bets, but Burt Bacharach, Joan Collins, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck and Elizabeth Taylor gave the first running all the celebrity bling its founder, John Gaines, could hope for.

But neither God nor Sinatra worked behind the scenes. There, Van Clief was in hell.

“Talk about putting out fires,” he said. “I would love to go back and be 35 years old again, but not if I had to run the first Breeders’ Cup.”

His small crew — a group that miraculously raised $20 million to launch the richest race day in history — was in virgin territory. So, they quickly learned, was track management. All were overwhelmed  by the 64,000 who showed up that day. If that was not enough, track employees staged a work slowdown and a number of waiters, busmen and mâitre d’s decided to stay home. “Food service collapsed in some areas of the track,” Van Clief said.

Many people who ordered tickets didn’t get them, and arrived uncertain where to go or what to do. The tickets that did go out didn’t have seat numbers printed on them. “We had parties double seated in the same seats,” he said. “I had owners threaten to pull horses because their seating was so bad.

“We didn’t have cell phones in those days, but I did have a walkie-talkie. Around the second race, I threw it away in a corner somewhere.”

There were so many reporters, his crew set up temporary press facilities adjacent to the dining room. One reporter headed to his assigned seat and, instead of finding a phone line and fax, found a plate of dinner rolls.

Reporters were to receive souvenir lapel pins memorializing the day, but instead Van Clief purloined several boxes of them and used them as staff credentials.

“We were pretty naïve – well, I’ll speak for myself — I was. I thought once we raised $20 million and had … four hours of live television, I was naïve enough to think we could turn it over to racetrack management and the rest would be easy.”

“It’s hilarious looking back,” Van Clief said.

Not so much at the time, though.

What people remember from the day, isn’t the chaos, however. It’s the horses. A heart-stopping three-way battle at the finish line between winner Wild Again, Gate Dancer and Slew of Gold crowned the event.

“The day was saved by the fact it was an incredible day of racing. The best horses showed up and we had a much stronger contingent from Europe than we thought we would get,” Van Clief said. “Logistically, it was a nightmare.”


Colors, I See Colors

In Uncategorized on June 18, 2010 at 12:54 am

Monroe Hodder

SAN FRANCISCO — The weekend section of The Chronicle featured a single color photograph of a painting by Monroe Hodder. I no longer needed

coffee. Seeing it gave me all the energy I required. Too bad it was 6 in the morning and too early to head to the gallery to see the works in person. By 11, I was on the bus heading, as it turns out, the absolute wrong direct. Easily corrected. In no time I was on Geary Street, the home of too many galleries.

The building at 49 Geary Street has galleries on four floors, so I made lots of discoveries. But first to the paintings at Ellins Eagles -Smith Gallery on the fifth floor and the Hodders that drew me to the address in the first place.  This work absolutely glows. Trust me, my photographs don’t begin to do them justice.  You’ll actually get a better feel for the luminosity and energy if you click on Hodder’s name and go right to her website. She’s been doing these stripey paintings since at least 2007, but these new paintings still seem full of exploration.

Heather Wilcoxon

One floor down I was knocked out by the crazy imaginary beasts, faces, and leg-sprouting globe of Heather Wilcoxon in the Jack Fischer Gallery. The child-like inventiveness of the pieces, including a wall of what looked like refrigerator art, had me thinking “outsider,” although Wilcoxon has a master’s in fine arts from the San Francisco Art Institute.

Ex-Metallica bass player Jason Newsted had a couple of pieces at the Micaëla Gallery that really grabbed me. I confess, I had no idea he was connected to Metallica until I tried to find a webpage for him. Anyone else see a little Basquiat in these?  At least in the blue painting? Sorry for the shadows in these photos. It really takes something from them.

For something completely different I stopped in at Brian Gross Fine Art to look at these very intense paintings by Teo González. I was surprised when the women in the gallery called these minimalist, since minimalism usually seems so, well, minimal. So, OK, maybe I don’t really know what the word means. It conjures up  paintings with maybe two colors,  one of which is the blue the artist uses to draw a line down the canvas.

Anyway, no art tomorrow. I head to Palo Alto at the crack of dawn for a freelance writing conference.

 

Jason Newsted

Jason Newsted

A close up of the Gonzalez painting below

Teo Gonzalez

New Stories

In Uncategorized on June 13, 2010 at 11:53 am

Check out “View My Published Work.” I’ve added new stories. It’s not every single story I’ve written, but some of my favorites, including a Louisville Magazine piece on sex toy parties.

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